


Elfin Homicide

by PatPrecieux



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Bored Sherlock, Christmas Fluff, Christmas Smut, John is a Saint, M/M, Murder Mystery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-27
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-09-12 14:16:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9075637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PatPrecieux/pseuds/PatPrecieux
Summary: Christmas Day is over, but Christmas murder is still on the calendar.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Someone is still on the naughty list, and Santa has an evil enemy.
> 
> * In London at Christmas, there is the Hyde Park Winter Wonderland. Among its' many attractions is "Santa's House". Suspend belief with me as we see Who Done What to Who and Why.

"Christ Sherlock," John sighed, "how can you be bored? Christmas isn't even cold in the past yet!"

From his imperial throne,(his leather chair), where he perched like a hawk waiting to attack, Sherlock looked at John through squinty eyes and huffed, "How can you not be bored? It's been months since a good murder."

"It's been five days since you solved that murder-suicide."

Sherlock hissed, "I said, a GOOD murder John!"

"Sherlock, there is no such thing as a good murder."

"Don't be dull doctor. It makes you seem even more moronic than usual."

John pursed his lips and dipped his head, "You know I think you're right. There's about to be a good murder right now."

Sherlock jumped to his feet, "Why? What do you know? What have you heard? Tell me!"

The older man had to smile in spite of himself, "No point wasting sarcasm on you genius."

"When were you being sarcastic?"

"Never mind, just do both of us a favor and call Greg. And if you say 'who' to me, we're going to have a domestic."

Clearly affronted, the detective grabbed for his mobile just as it rang.

"Who calls anymore John, how tedious."

"Answer the bloody phone."

"Sherlock Holmes. Gastritis is that you? Why are you calling? Text is so much more..I see yes as soon as possible. Goodbye."

John looked up expectantly, "Case, then, murder?"

"Multiple, half dozen in fact. We need to go to Hyde Park Winter Wonderland. Some one has murdered six of Santa's Elves."

***~***

The cab ride to Hyde Park was quiet as Sherlock went into pre-deduction mode. For his part, John wondered when his life had become so bizarre that none of this seemed odd. Six dead elves, just an average day.

 

Lestrade met them at the entrance to the Christmas Market and led them to Santa's House. It proved to be a rather large and elaborate temporary building very much resembling a small "castle" in which The Claus' and their elves might reside.

Several out buildings around the main house served as the "Reindeer Barn", "Toy Factory", "Bakery", "Tailor and Shoemakers Shop", and "Santa's Office" where Santa greeted all the children before December 25th. 

 

Sherlock began firing questions one after another.  
"First, why is this facility still open?"

Greg opened his notebook, "The whole theme thing is open to the public until 2nd January, but for a fee, adults can tour Santa's Village and even book private parties complete with Santa, Mrs. Claus and the elves. Reindeer extra."

Had they not been at a crime scene, John would have rolled on the ground laughing at Sherlock's expression which showed both confusion and distain.

"So, presumably intelligent and, I'll wager, wealthy people pay to regress to a childhood delusion?"

"Sherlock", John chided, "lots of people would find that fun."

"YOU would John?"

"At the risk of scandalizing you, yes you twat."

Lestrade cleared his throat, "Sherlock, dead bodies, yeah?"

"Well are you expecting them to come to me Lestrade?"

"Oh for shits sake! Come on, first one's in the barn."

***~***

 

Again, John marveled that standing in a small herd of Reindeer was normal. The first elf was in a stall having been strangled with a leather harness.

Sherlock bent to examine the body. "Why is there a plaque on this harness and what is a vixen?"

The blogger jumped at the chance to be one up for a change. "Not a what, a who. Vixen is one of Santa's Reindeers, "The Woman" as it were. All the rest are boys."

"The rest?"

"You know Dasher, Dancer.."

"You suspect a runner and a dancer, why John?"

He couldn't stifle the groan, "Just keep looking."

Greg told them all six murders had occured within less than two hours of each other. "Either we've got a mob of suspects or one very organized killer."

"Greg, were they all strangled?"

"No John all six are different. That's why we left the bodies for you two where we found them. We're done, so's SOCO, just waiting on the Queen here."

Sherlock sniffed to show his disregard for the Inspector. "Let me ask this Germania, how is this person to have been an elf? Yes, I see the costume; but although this man is small enough in stature to be, say, a jockey, he is hardly elfin."

At that moment, the question was answered by Santa himself who entered in the form of a giant of a man nearly seven foot tall.

John craned his neck, "Mr.Claus I presume?"

The man extended the small tree which he called an arm and nodded. "Yes, I'm Chris Claussen. I know, blame my parents. Been trying to outrun the name for fifty odd years. But here you are. This is so terrible, I'm stunned. Each of these men was a friend. And you're correct Mr.Holmes, all retired jockeys. When Santa is my size, the elves don't need to be two foot tall."

"You can account for your whereabouts in the last few hours?"

John interceded, "No offense Sir."

"None taken Dr.Watson. I'm a great fan of your blog. I was actually posing for a photographer doing a brochure for next years' Wonderland. Ask around, I tend to attract attention."

A few minutes later, Santa's alibi confirmed, the other five bodies came under investigation. In no particular order they were :

2\. Shoemaker elf- impaled between the eyes with his tac hammer. 

3\. Baker elf- skull crushed by a rolling pin with a sprig of holly pattern.

4\. Toymaker elf- head immersed in a vat of red paint.

5\. Tailor elf- stabbed with Christmas scissors.

6\. Santa's Bookkeeper elf- crushed in his office under a huge scroll containing the "names" of good little girls and boys.

 

John found himself wondering if HE was the one having the delusion, "Sherlock, getting anything from this?"

"A great many things John, none of them relevant."

The blogger paused, that was unusual.

Sherlock resumed, "Lestrade, what is inside the castle?"

"The Claussens actually live in a quarters in the back, come on."

They went through only to be met by Mrs.Claus. She was well matched to her husband. At least six foot two and quite fit. 

She nodded a greeting, "So good of you gentlemen to be looking into these deaths for Santa and myself."

The way she said it made John's medical instincts kick in, "Ah, I imagine this has been quite upsetting for you Mrs.Claussen."

"Claus, dear, Mrs.Claus. And yes, Santa holds his elves very close to his heart."

Sherlock took his doctors lead, "Your function here madam is?"

"All the wifely duties of course. Baking, sewing, secretary, taking care if Santa's clothes, decorating the house, why I even Mother the Reindeer."

John recognized Sherlock was preparing to zero in for the "kill".

"But don't Santa's elves do all those things for him?"

"Those little wimps, they can't compare to me. I'm Mrs.Santa Claus! Do you hear me, do you ?!"

Suddenly, she had a very large, very wicked knife in her hand and began slashing. The three men were immediately aware that she was taller and heavier than each of them.

 

As it turned out the murderers' capture was more slapstick than stealth, with John using his much smaller frame to knock her knees out from under her by kneeling behind her as Sherlock and Greg backed her into a corner. 

***~***

Poor Mr.Claussen was not only distraught but clueless. "I don't understand Betty, why would you do this?"

"Why? It wasn't bad enough they took all my purpose away but they took you out of my bed!"

Sherlock leaned against the wall. "You thought your husband was sleeping with all six men?"

"It would take all six to make one of me you idiot", she sneered.

Greg turned, "How Sherlock?"

"I didn't suspect at first. Then my good John gave me the clue."

"Well done me. What did I do?"

"The strangulation John. Of all the harness, the killer chose,as you put it, the only girl. Proclaiming superiority over the male murder victims."

John smirked, "That and the big buggering knife she tried to stick you with."

"That as well John."

Lestrade finished cuffing Mrs.Claus and smiled, "Anything else to add gents?"

"No, Gremlin, you may leave. This case proved less than challenging in the end."

"Only you would say that about a psychotic Santa's wife and six dead elves."

"I've something to add boys," John said with a satisfied smile.

"Impossible."

"Oi wanker, we WILL be discussing that when we get home. As I was saying, not that it's any comfort Mrs.Claussen, but I am convinced your bedroom difficulties stem from your husbands untreated diabetes. That, not affairs with his elves, is likely the cause of his impotence. I would have myself checked out soon Mr.Claussen. Doctor's orders."

***~***

 

The prisoner secured at NSY, paperwork done and take out procured, The Boys settled in at Baker Street.

Sherlock had been surly and morose all evening. "What's got you in such a state love? You solved it in record time."

"You made it up about the diabetes!"

"Wait, you what? No I didn't!"

"Prove it! How did you know?"

"Got close enough to smell his breath. Diabetics without care have a sweet fruity smelling breath. Can't miss it; and that would account for his lack of sexual interest."

"Six murders all because one woman hadn't sense enough to know her husband was ill, not gay."

John snorted, "Sexual confusion and couples who don't talk to each other. Who could imagine it!"

"YOU are mocking me!"

"I most certainly am, and in a short while I expect to be ravishing you Mr.Holmes."

"Is that so. Well I disagree. I am vexed with you."

"Vexed is the next best thing to sexed, and besides, you said I gave you the main clue, even if that was more of a jab at she whose name we will not speak."

Sherlock's face was blank."That went over your head too huh? I said Vixen was the only girl - The Woman! Don't know why I bother with you."

Sherlock curled his upper lip, "Because you love me."

"I do, AND because I've got plans for you tonight that involves lots of kinky sex and you wearing only an elf's hat."

***~***

Hours later, after much moaning, crying and groaning Sherlock and John fell into a blissed out post sexual haze. They slept the night through wrapped up in a jumble of arms and legs, dreaming of Santa, Reindeer, and more sex.

And when they woke up the next morning, Sherlock was still wearing the elf hat!

**Author's Note:**

> Want to reassure everyone, none of Santa's real Elves were harmed in any way.


End file.
